I would love some feed back on this poem I wrote it some time ago and haven't touched it in months.
Leap
Leap off the edge of life
I beg of you,
let me know if those luxurious wings work.
Maybe then I too may leap-
Watching you fall - so gracefully
Slipping through the breeze;
Your broken wings flapping vainly.
My heart should break......
if only it were not already shattered into pieces
hands pierced bloody holding shards together
Your song of extacsy shimmering in the air.
as I watch you fall
dripping hands outstretched.
Hoping,
hoping to catch,
reaching - reaching to catch,
to catch....?
NO,
to save you .
So then I too may leap.
I liked ready this poem. I got the idea that you are writing about a loved one falling and you are trying to decide weather to leap with her. However, i also see perhaps a plane crashing to the ground. Overall i though you did good. If a may suggest perhaps leving out the periods that are scattered through out this poem. Also the -, what were you usingthem as? Great job tho!
ReplyDeleteThe mood of the poem really changes dramatically. At first I was happy, taken in by the act of faith of leaping. Then it dawned on me that the ground could be a potential problem.
ReplyDeleteThe idea that you both have to "leap" to be happy is a rather charming romantic notion.
I honestly have no idea where the poem came from, whether it was romantically based or based in pain. However there seems to be a mixture of the two ideas. It came to me suddenly about a year ago and I haven't been able to change anything about it except for some minor grammatical errors. I really like the idea in it yet I feel as if the poem is on the cusp of something even greater, I am just not sure how I should approach it.
ReplyDelete